What's Keeping Me Here

Last week, one of my favorite volunteers 

and he was the best Sesotho speaker too

in my group ET’d (early terminated) and got on a plane to head back to Cali. He was the 4^th volunteer in 7 months to leave early; not an insignificant amount. Everyone has their own reasons for going home, and I know he wouldn’t have left if he wasn’t absolutely sure that it was the right decision.

It’s a weird feeling when one of us goes home early, like a part of our strange, familial amoeba breaking off and making its own path, away from the rest of us. I don’t begrudge them at all, but I do miss them.

All of these people leaving within a relatively short amount of time got me thinking about my own time thus far in Lesotho, and asking myself what it is that’s really keeping me here. I did an internal scan of all the forces at work that are making me stay. You may be thinking, “Well of course you’re still there! It’s only been 7 months.” Or you may be thinking, “She’s still in Lesotho?!!.” For those of you in the second category, here is what I came up with.

1)   My commitment: I waited two long, emotionally strenuous years to get to Lesotho, a country I had previously never even heard of. I left a wonderful, loving relationship, a beautiful, warm, supportive network of family and friends, and my favorite city in the world. These things are infinitely more significant to me than leaving the creature comforts of the U.S. (oh washing machines, how I yearn for you sometimes), but I left those too. All of this is to say that by the time my amazing mamas and I were rushing around buying last minute things, randomly bursting out in tears and packing up the mountain of crap that would make up my life for the next two years, I was absolutely, 100% sure that this was the right decision for me. Relationally, leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I knew even before landing here that it would take either a horrible emergency or debilitating depression to come home before my 27 months were up. And now that my work, my external as opposed to internal commitments, have started, it’s very difficult to imagine leaving these kiddos so soon. In many ways, I feel like my work here has only recently begun, and to leave now would be like starting to run a marathon after months and months of training, only to stop at the second mile and go home.

2)   Growth: When I made the choice to apply for the Peace Corps, I did it for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to live in another country for an extended period of time, to learn a new language, and to open myself up to the kind of growth that happens in such a situation, and the Peace Corps was the only long term opportunity I found that would pay for everything. I did not do it because I wanted to help people, or because I think I have something divine to offer the “developing” world. I certainly didn’t do it to “save the world”, as many a person remarked after learning about my plans. I did it for my own growth, which I honestly think is the most realistic goal to get out of the Peace Corps. That being said, the kind of personal development that I hoped to experience is happening, and I wouldn’t want to cut short the growth. I’m learning how to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally, in a very profound way. I’m becoming infinitely more patient and creative than I ever thought possible. I’m learning how to become truly focused on the present, which is a feat for my naturally forward thinking, forward scheming mind. And I’m learning/ getting better at skills-speaking Sesotho, gardening, basic home improvement, cooking, laughing at myself, teaching, being uncomfortable, listening, carrying water on my head, dare I say writing?! To leave now would be to cut all of these things and more short. And since I came here purely for myself, that would silly. Not to say that these things can’t happen if you don’t live in a hut in a foreign culture for two years, indeed they do. But I kind of wanted to be forced to grow, and I knew that living in such a way for such an amount of time would do that.

3)    Relationships: How many times have you remarked that such and such an experience wouldn’t have been the same without the people you were with? Well, the same thing applies here as much as anywhere, possibly even more.

      …at school: I’m at a point with my students 

Tankiso!

now where they aren’t shy around me, they laugh at me and they understand me (most of the time) when I speak English. Especially when I’m talking about sex (life skillsJ). It took awhile for them to get used to my accent and for me to learn to speak slowly and/or speak Sesotho, but now that the major hurdles in that department have been surpassed, they are slowly but surely improving! Of course there are still many days where the lesson just did not seem to sink in or they decided to be children (the nerve) and not listen when I spoke (classroom management is half the battle when it comes to teaching). But, they’re getting better, and the other teachers are maybe learning that little ones don’t necessarily learn the best when the only thing that happens in the classroom is lecturing and note taking. I’m also getting closer with and getting to know the other teachers more, which is really nice.

      ….at home: I’ve written about Tsepang,

 my teenage host brother, before. We’re pretty tight, and we just started to watch the Harry Potter series. What kind of monster would I be if I left now? Second only to Voldemort, that’s what kind. I’m also still close with my host family from training, and I look forward to visiting them in the upcoming months.

      ….in the village: Slowly but surely, I’m making friends, mostly with the teachers at the high school. I’ve made a decision to have someone over once a week for dinner, because eating alone is all well and good but I love cooking for people. And just in general, I’m learning (remembering) more people’s names and people are greeting me more familiarly ("ayy, ausi Mpho!"). Plus, the neighbor toddlers who always greet me with “bye byee” (the only English most kids know) on my walk to school paid me a visit a month or so ago. After 3 months here, they chose a random day to come say hi, and then of course promptly ran away screaming and giggling when I started to play      with them. Score.

      ….with the other volunteers:  They’re great, and having other Americans who are experiencing many of the same things I am to whine to, share ideas with and cuddle with is crucial. Who knows where I’d be without these weirdos. 

Happy Halloween!

Thaba Bosiu!

Probably back in America.

4)  Traveling! Africa is very expensive to get to but pretty cheap to travel around and live in. So, I’m pumped to make the most of it. First stop is (I think) tropical Mozambique in July (which is the dead of winter here L). And I’m probably going to spend a few months traveling after my service is done.

     

All of this is to say that I’m here for the long haul, and I’m continually grateful to have this opportunity.

And how’s life on your end? What experiences are you soaking up?

Much love and, as always, Khotso.